My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
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my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.