My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
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[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Okay
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.