My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
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Dance like you’re not the father
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.