My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
This may be my favorite dog video ever.