‘No Panties Tuesday’ is a thing, right?
Or AKA, I really need to do some laundry.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
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Cell mate: What you are in for?
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
[walking home after date]
Date: it’s getting dark. it’s kinda scary. *winks* you’ll have to protect me
Me: oh don’t worry *i stomp my feet and the bottom of my shoes light up* i got you
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
“State your name”
“Where are you from?”
“Your wife’s name”
“Your first zodiac murder”
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.