My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

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‘No Panties Tuesday’ is a thing, right?

Or AKA, I really need to do some laundry.


Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?


Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards


Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.


[walking home after date]

Date: it’s getting dark. it’s kinda scary. *winks* you’ll have to protect me

Me: oh don’t worry *i stomp my feet and the bottom of my shoes light up* i got you


WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real


“State your name”
Ted Cruz
“Where are you from?”
“Your wife’s name”
“Your first zodiac murder”
“Thank you”
You’re welc-WAIT


employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]


*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?


Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.