My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
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How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
My blood type is coffee.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Dear Lord..
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..