A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
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Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…