My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
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Monday?
No. Next question.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.