What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
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4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
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My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.