Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
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Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Good job Twitter #RAW
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.