@Dutch_50

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

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@RandiLawson

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

@mjkspeaks

Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.

@Brianhopecomedy

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

@DrDogMD

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

@Parkerlawyer

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

@ericsshadow

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

@aka_fatman

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

@ndiquote

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

@TylerLinkin

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.