My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
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“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
😂😂😂😂😂😂
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.