My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
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Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
i baked you a cake