My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
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I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Its true…
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.