My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
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If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
my retirement plan is braless
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!