My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
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My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.