My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
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Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
😍😂🥰😂😍
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.