My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.


Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.


I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?


Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?


A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”


[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf


boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles


Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex


It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale


I’m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.