@sofarrsogud

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

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@JediGigi

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

@NicolleDWallace

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

@Aspersioncast

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

@KentWGraham

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

@GoodZiIIa

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

@Shen_the_Bird

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

@oakhillbargrill

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

@dvidsilva

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

@thatUPSdude

I’m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.