My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
You Might Also Like
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I missed you with all my darts
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.