Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
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Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[gets down on one knee]
[gets down on two knees]
[gets down on third knee]
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I’m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.