My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
You Might Also Like
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Monday?
No. Next question.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.