toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
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Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Our eyes met. Our hearts touched. He was the one. We fell in love. He used a flash mob to propose. I’m single now.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Undressing with the curtains open is my little way of giving back to the old ladies in our neighborhood watch.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified