@djdarrellripley

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

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@CyberneticTiger

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

@chrisrockozfan

Most people don’t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

@aneesa_p

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

@realfunghi

Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!

Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!

@onelongbender

Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.

@UtterlyTC

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

@nomofobe

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

@blade_funner

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

@PrisonCookies

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

@donni

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts