@djdarrellripley

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

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@iwearaonesie

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

@AsgardianRose

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

@ComedicBust

Our eyes met. Our hearts touched. He was the one. We fell in love. He used a flash mob to propose. I’m single now.

@timdonakowski

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

@tokyo_sexwhale

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

@KylePlantEmoji

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

@AristotlesNZ

Undressing with the curtains open is my little way of giving back to the old ladies in our neighborhood watch.