Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
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Most people don’t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts