My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
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im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.