me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
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If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”