My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn’t take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me

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If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.



Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun


My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world. So i’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave


A recent study shows 50% of people think that people who can’t spell are idiots .. The other 50% said “that’s ridiclious!”


Whenever someone says “let’s get weird” my first thought is “I’m already there”


A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.nWhat in the hell do they put in butterflys?


I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.


Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.