Meanwhile in Portland…
My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn’t take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me
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If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world. So i’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave
She: Don’t talk like that.
Me: With my thumbs?
A recent study shows 50% of people think that people who can’t spell are idiots .. The other 50% said “that’s ridiclious!”
Whenever someone says “let’s get weird” my first thought is “I’m already there”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.nWhat in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.