my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
You Might Also Like
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.