our teacher used to make us do 100 lines if we’d been naughty. my nose was wrecked at the end of it
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
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A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
1. How much wine can a cat drink?
2. How do you resuscitate a drunk cat?
3. Will they do an autopsy on a dead cat?
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm