my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

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our teacher used to make us do 100 lines if we’d been naughty. my nose was wrecked at the end of it


A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.



1. How much wine can a cat drink?

2. How do you resuscitate a drunk cat?

3. Will they do an autopsy on a dead cat?


TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times


(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?


Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”


mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*


It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it


mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm