my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
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Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.