Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
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Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
Danny Devito: well hello there
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”