My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
You Might Also Like
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
cats when you pet them too long: