@itcudvbeenworse

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

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@kumailn

The two most horrific words on the internet are “Begin Slideshow.”

@AtticusFinch79

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

@iamspacegirl

hey i just met you
and this is crazy
but i’m your mom now
you small weak baby

@Darlainky

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

@iFluff8

Men ask us if we’re naked when we tell them we’re taking a bath. THAT’S why they pay more for their car insurance.

@P_o_n_k

DR. BABY: Ma’am, I’m sorry. We were unable to reattach your husband’s nose

WOMAN: *Cries into hands*

DR. BABY: Wait where did she go

@GrillinChillin9

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

@fishbowel

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

@iGreenMonk

Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”