My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

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The two most horrific words on the internet are “Begin Slideshow.”


DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t


hey i just met you
and this is crazy
but i’m your mom now
you small weak baby


Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.


Men ask us if we’re naked when we tell them we’re taking a bath. THAT’S why they pay more for their car insurance.


DR. BABY: Ma’am, I’m sorry. We were unable to reattach your husband’s nose

WOMAN: *Cries into hands*

DR. BABY: Wait where did she go


Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.


Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull


Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”