@Jamberee13

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

You Might Also Like

@UncleDuke1969

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

@SardonicTart

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

@rebrafsim

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

@GreenishDuck

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

@TheHyyyype

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

@Khanoisseur

Preferred way to connect with me (ranked most to least):
1. Text
2. Twitter DM
3. Email
4. Phone
5. Climb through my window
6. LinkedIn

@roostermustache

Me: can i play music

Funeral director: that’s not appropriate

Me: nana would’ve wanted it

Director: ok

CD player: someBODY once told me

@Reverend_Scott

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.