SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
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Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Preferred way to connect with me (ranked most to least):
2. Twitter DM
5. Climb through my window
Me: can i play music
Funeral director: that’s not appropriate
Me: nana would’ve wanted it
CD player: someBODY once told me
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.