My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
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Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?