“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
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I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.