@SigneSaysSo

My pants are so tight I’m legitimately afraid they won’t fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.

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@ImFordTough

Pretty awesome how you can buy chocolates on February 13th and everyone assumes you have a girlfriend & not a grudge w/ your neighbor’s dog.

@ParasiteHilton

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

@WigCannon

how to hot dogs:

1) “read” hot dogs instructions
2) place 5 to 60 hot dogs in warm microwave or sink
3) add 1 piece of ketchup
4( drink

@cydbeer

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

@alldrolledup

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

@iGreenGod

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

@TheDeducers

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

@briangaar

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”