@SigneSaysSo

My pants are so tight I’m legitimately afraid they won’t fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.

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@Shade510

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

@donjuantip

i’ve decided to start a new healthier lifestyle. I’m adding cranberry juice to my morning Vodka.

@CelebrityChez

How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?

@idiot

#rudolph > .nose {
background: red;
border-radius: 50%;
@include shiny;
}

@ddsmidt

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

@daemonic3

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

@TheToddWilliams

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

@Dr_awfulpants

If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.

@AbbyHasIssues

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

@mishacollins

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”