My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
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Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*