My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
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I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Put a ring on it
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th