@RiverClegg

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

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@HatfieldAnne

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

@NakedHangover

What I learned in college:

1. Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka.

2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.

@ShortSleeveSuit

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

@junejuly12

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

@TheBoydP

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

@HuttonGray

Why don’t they allow computers in prison? Is it because of the escape button?
I think it’s because of the escape button.