Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
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Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
What I learned in college:
1. Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka.
2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
shaved ice implies the existence of hairy ice
ADHD is ADD in high definition.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Why don’t they allow computers in prison? Is it because of the escape button?
I think it’s because of the escape button.