My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
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ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
buying dead houseplants to save time
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
The human personality is made of five key elements