My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
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Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Spring of Deception
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Monday?
No. Next question.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before