My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
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I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Best mom ever 😂
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I am yelling
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.