My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
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My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Attacked by a mop.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Customize Your Wedding.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child