When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
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Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
🚲+physics = winner
i actually laughed 😩
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
got so much cardio in today
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any