My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
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Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
the official breakfast of 2021
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there