Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
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Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back