I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
You Might Also Like
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Waitress: Would you prefer your order with a side of fries or salad?
Me: Would you prefer your tip with cash or advice?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
*dog runs for president*
*is asked race sensitive question
“The thing is, I don’t see color”
*crowd goes wild*
Told a priest, “Bless you” after he sneezed and he said, “Stay in your lane.”