My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
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I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….