@AuthorAlisa

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

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@lazy_joe_

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

@murrman5

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

@daemonic3

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

@weinerdog4life

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

@ch000ch

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

@sixfootcandy

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

@LaLuchaNix

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

@sophielou

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

@good2go013

Life Tip:

Do not treat your woman like an object. It hates that.