@AuthorAlisa

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

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@Milariou

I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

@DanMentos

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

@Sean_Burgundy_

Waitress: Would you prefer your order with a side of fries or salad?

Me: Would you prefer your tip with cash or advice?

@juliussharpe

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.

@GrowlyGrego

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

@Elizasoul80

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

@mejustbeth

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

@good_one_rick

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

@michaeljhudson

*dog runs for president*
*is asked race sensitive question
“The thing is, I don’t see color”
*crowd goes wild*

@Terfleaza

Told a priest, “Bless you” after he sneezed and he said, “Stay in your lane.”