@LizHackett

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

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@dlockw21

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

@fro_vo

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

@AnniemuMary

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

@Schindizzle

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

@shkeeber

If a genie grants you 3 wishes, use the first one to make the genie develop short term memory loss, and then keep making 2nd wishes forever.

@leyawn

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

@FredTaming

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

@DaddysinCharge

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.