I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
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one last job
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?