My parents are middle aged.
“Mine are to-”
[parents burst through bedroom door on horses]

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I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..


I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound.
I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.


*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*


kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch


i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot


I put a life-size alien doll in my passenger seat for halloween and I’ve caught myself talking to it 3 times


Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan


*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*


What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.