I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
My parents are middle aged.
“Mine are to-”
[parents burst through bedroom door on horses]
“CHILD! DOST THOU DESIRE NOURISHMENT?”
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I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound.
I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I put a life-size alien doll in my passenger seat for halloween and I’ve caught myself talking to it 3 times
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
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