The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
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If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you