MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
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Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
🙂🐾
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Happy thanksgiving
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it