My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*

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Accidentally ate a ball of wasabi the size of a marble and now I can smell math


My boyfriend got pissed because I didn’t swallow. Is it my fault I have a nut allergy?


[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt


Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter


I put a life-size alien doll in my passenger seat for halloween and I’ve caught myself talking to it 3 times


Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.


How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.


[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me: Well that was a waste of $100


Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…


[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle