@plank_sinatra

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

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@McNevich

Accidentally ate a ball of wasabi the size of a marble and now I can smell math

@MrsMikePatton

My boyfriend got pissed because I didn’t swallow. Is it my fault I have a nut allergy?

@david8hughes

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

@bridger_w

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

@Jacob_Swift16

I put a life-size alien doll in my passenger seat for halloween and I’ve caught myself talking to it 3 times

@DontFollowDave

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

@karlainvt

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

@iwearaonesie

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

@TheBoydP

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

@stevevsninjas

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle