Accidentally ate a ball of wasabi the size of a marble and now I can smell math
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
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My boyfriend got pissed because I didn’t swallow. Is it my fault I have a nut allergy?
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I put a life-size alien doll in my passenger seat for halloween and I’ve caught myself talking to it 3 times
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*apple falls out*
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle