My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
You Might Also Like
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone