*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
GI joe is short for gastrointestinal joseph.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
*smoke detector goes off*
*toddler runs around screaming*
*smoke detector goes off again*
wife *walks into the kitchen*
me: How was your nap?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.