@callapilla

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

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@jctwritesstuff

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

@briancthayer

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

@ArfMeasures

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

@KeithAshers

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

@iwearaonesie

*smoke detector goes off*
*toddler runs around screaming*
*smoke detector goes off again*
wife *walks into the kitchen*
me: How was your nap?

@squirrel74wkgn

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

@Bob_Janke

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

@Test_of_Steron

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.