How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
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I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.