*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
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“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
when dads have a rap battle
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Is this you?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY