My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
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“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.