Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
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Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
March 16
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.