My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
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17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?