@Darlainky

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

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@UncleDuke1969

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

@Cheeseboy22

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

@Eatingyourwords

cut a hole in the bottom of my tub of popcorn while on a date so when she goes for some she accidentally grabs a copy of my mixtape

@Bratterina

*puts on cloak of invisibility, whooshes past ex, flipping him off

“Jenna, that’s a hoodie, I can see you”

*makes a ghost voice: NoOoOoOo

@heatherlou_

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

@JasonLastname

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

@EliTerry

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

@CakeThrottle

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

@SarahR_82

Violently swerving ur car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesnt work like it does with humans. Just in case u need to know.