My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

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Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?


Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.


Trump is the closest thing I have to a baby. I check to see if he’s up first thing in the morning then I spend the rest of the day telling people at work what he said.


[date at rooftop bar]
give me ur hand
“Is tha-are u wearing a squirrel tail?”
*rips off jacket to reveal flying squirrel suit* do u trust me


It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.


Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.


There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.


“I got your back”

“And I got your nose”

“Ooh I want his feet”

Mr. Potato Head: *sobbing* guys stop it