My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

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My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.


I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.


cut a hole in the bottom of my tub of popcorn while on a date so when she goes for some she accidentally grabs a copy of my mixtape


*puts on cloak of invisibility, whooshes past ex, flipping him off

“Jenna, that’s a hoodie, I can see you”

*makes a ghost voice: NoOoOoOo


Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.


If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.


another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car


We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons


Violently swerving ur car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesnt work like it does with humans. Just in case u need to know.