@Darlainky

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

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@tupactopus

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

@UncleDuke1969

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

@Book_Krazy

[arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month]

“Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?”

ME: uh oh

@Sassafrantz

Do you, Charles Manson, take this woman who is clearly more insane than you to be your lawful wedded wife?

@moneybreton

Top Fears
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
3.Christopher Walken

@3sunzzz

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

@Ristolable

[First day of prison]
“Hey man. Wanna be in our gang?”
Sure, I’ll call you. Just give me your cell number
*gets stabbed*

@lakeanagirl

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

@KevinFarzad

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

@Snarfernini

I never trust a Tom. They are far too often involved in foolery or peeping for my liking.