@Darlainky

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

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@Marlebean

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

@stevevsninjas

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

@morgan_murphy

Trump is the closest thing I have to a baby. I check to see if he’s up first thing in the morning then I spend the rest of the day telling people at work what he said.

@madeleinedoux

[date at rooftop bar]
give me ur hand
“Is tha-are u wearing a squirrel tail?”
*rips off jacket to reveal flying squirrel suit* do u trust me

@DearAuntAbby

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

@illTortuga

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

@lloydrang

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

@Barknado69

“I got your back”

“And I got your nose”

“Ooh I want his feet”

Mr. Potato Head: *sobbing* guys stop it