My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
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Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
genius
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
i smell a pulitzer
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
It’s that simple 👊🏻
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.