@Bizarro_Mark

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

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@lesbo86

My doctor asked me if I might be pregnant. I told him I’d be giving birth to a pack of Duracell batteries if I was

@slimmy_shady

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

@AndyAsAdjective

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

@inmybox07

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

@LurkAtHomeMom

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

@turtledumplin

When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over.

-me, right now

@unravelingfire

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

@iLikeCatShirts

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

@thebabylady7

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup