My doctor asked me if I might be pregnant. I told him I’d be giving birth to a pack of Duracell batteries if I was
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
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I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over.
-me, right now
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup