I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
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*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out